Being Erased
by OpheliacAngel
Summary: One-shot: He's getting impatient, very impatient. And he knows he's the one to blame. Gabriel's thoughts of Dean and his life after his return from hell. Kinda like a companion piece to my other one-shot "True Colors". Title comes from Cold's "No One".


**Being Erased**

I'm lonely. And I guess it's what I deserve after messing with you. After killing you over and over and over for my enjoyment. And it's not even what your brother thinks, I never wanted to kill you. I just wanted to see you after the first time we met, and I got carried away. I killed you but I wasn't gonna let you stay dead. I just went too far and I can't believe me, a trickster, is saying sorry for that but I am.

I'm sorry, Dean. It seems like my being near you has only put you in danger. I just can't stop myself sometimes. Most of the time.

I couldn't pretend like I was dead to you guys anymore. It gets old, it gets painful like the time when you were in your coma and I could talk to you, but I couldn't _talk _to you. Do you know how much that hurts? How annoying it is, how much I can't take it? And me being such a control freak I figured, what better than to take your life into my hands, kill you over and over and then bring you back to life. I could watch the life drain out of your eyes and then snap my fingers to bring it back.

I would be able to see you smile and dance to that annoying fucking song. I would see you completely oblivious to what's going on, while Sam was forced to suffer through it all. I would see you happy. And it's a shame your happiness involves you not knowing I'm alive.

So me, a person that never gets lonely, never gets bored, is depressed. And you are the primary reason. I could just bring you to me, but you'd get mad, so mad. And I don't want you to tell me to get the hell away from you. I don't want you screaming at me and stabbing me all over again. Sometimes I wish you would just say my name, in the middle of the night, under your breath, something. But if you were to call out for anyone it would be Castiel.

I want to be the one to soothe your nightmares, but all I'll ever do is frighten you. And if I were to go to you, Castiel would surely know. And I don't want that, I don't even want your brother around. I just want you. You.

I want you to know you're not alone, that you don't have to face hell on your own. I'm always a step away, always listening to see when, if you'll call. And I know it's sad for you to admit, but you don't have anyone anymore. Sam is off with his little demon bitch, which I would have warned you about earlier if I wasn't so occupied with the possibility of you gutting me like a fish. And Castiel's off dutifully serving god. What a pansy. He doesn't care about you, Dean. He doesn't want to help you. I'm the only one you've got left and it's pitiful that you don't even know I'm alive. That you would rather remain ignorant because ignorance is supposed to be bliss. Well it's not, it's not and I don't know why I just won't let myself go to you.

And what if I were to pop up one day in your car? When Sam isn't there of course. What would you say to me? Would you even believe I was there? You would slay me and then go on with your life. I know, Dean. I know you and I almost wish I didn't. I almost wish I didn't want someone like you.

I should have gotten you the first time, should have been able to make you fall for me, to draw you in with my charms and temptations. But I underestimated you, Dean Winchester. You showed me all too well that you didn't want anything to do with me. You didn't want me to even be alive, let alone join your little family. And now that your family's falling apart, I still don't have you. It's made me realize that it doesn't matter how much everything changes. We'll never be together and I've been blind not to see that.

But I am Gabriel, which of course you still don't know. Archangels are supposed to get what they want, either claim or kill. We're supposed to be selfish and evil and wicked. And that's what I've been to you. And let me tell you, it hasn't helped matters any. It's hurt you and hurt me even more. Because I want you, Dean. I just don't know how to get you.

I'm not a part of your world. I'm not a part of your life. I'm nothing. I'm like dirt to you.

And it hurts me to know that I must lie to you, and not even to your face. I must fake death, I must deny how I feel about you. I can't even tell you who I really am, cause who knows what damage that could do?

It feels like I'm being erased. Because there's no point in continuing to live if you don't know I'm there, just one step away from you.

I'm waiting for you. And I won't accept the truth… That you're not waiting for me.

**FIN**


End file.
